Paranoia Prevention

OK, so this is the entry where I stray from my "everything is so great", "pregnancy is so amazing", "life is a miracle" mantra.  Somedays are better than others, but I'm not going to lie, there are moments when I am simply scared to death!  The thought of losing this precious being just makes my heart ache and my eyes well with tears.  I spend a lot of time reminding myself that this miracle (just like the last 2 miracles) is completely out of my hands.  And, that another ultrasound or visit with Dr. B isn't going to make one bit of difference in the outcome of this pregnancy.  

I do, truly, believe those statements, but oh what a glorious site it is to see that little heart beat on the flat screen.  So, with my VIP card in hand (trust me, you don't want to go through what it takes to get the VIP card to the OBGyn office) I scheduled what I call a "paranoia prevention" visit.  Fortunately, Dr. B's nurses and ultrasound techs are as nice as he is and they never for a second made me feel like I was being ridiculous for requesting this ultrasound.  I laid there on the exam table with my heart literally beating out of my chest reminding myself that there is no reason for me to think that anything is wrong, this visit is simply for my own sanity.   I don't remember feeling that way last pregnancy, but considering that I still have nightmares about the girls' last ultrasound, I suppose my physiologic response to laying on the ultrasound table will be different this time around.  Again, I am forever changed, the naivety that comes with a first pregnancy has been taken from me.  And the weird thing is, given a chance, I don't think I would take it back even though I would give anything to have the girls here with me.

Back to the visit:  once the tech zoomed in on our babe it was apparent, the little heart was beating away stronger than ever, 167 bpm to be exact.  Ahhhhh, what an incredible sight to see.  The peace of mind and comfort in seeing that little heart pounding makes me want to personally find the man/woman who invented the ultrasound machine and give them a big HUG!  In addition, Baby "C" as we are calling it, (because "A" & "B" are already taken), has grown leaps and bounds since the last ultrasound.  In fact, Baby "C" is measuring 6 days ahead of where he/she was at the last visit.  The reason that this fact is notable is:  if I were to recalculate my due date of October 11th with the 6 day discrepancy, my due date would now be October 5th, Raphael & Lailah's birthday.  Either this baby is destined to be born on his/her sisters' birthday, or this is Raphael & Lailah's way of telling me that everything is going to be OK, they are taking care of their little sibling.  Personally, I prefer the latter, and without any official change of due date by Dr. B, I'm just going to go with it!