In so many ways our girls and their memory are my lifeblood. From the way they've changed my outlook on life, to the overwhelming feeling of comfort & peace with this pregnancy, to our due date potentially being on October 5th, to me seeing them in everything that's beautiful. There continue to be external signs in addition to a deeply rooted emotional feeling that they are watching over me and this pregnancy.
I've decided to include the e.mails that I wrote immediately after our loss for two reasons. There is something very humbling and intimate about the raw emotion expressed in the e.mails that contributes to every word I write here. Secondly, it gives a starting point to my healing process. One of my many objectives with this blog was to maybe one day help another woman who goes through a similar experience. If they can see that I, too, felt the way they are feeling but life HAS gone on, and that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel for them then I have accomplished one of my goals. Here they are [note: that I've made some corrections to my grief-ridden information for accuracy]:
10/6/08
Angels
Dear Friends,
It is with the deepest sadness I've ever personally experience that I write to you today. Frank and I lost our twin girls this past weekend. What started out as some minor contractions last Tuesday turned into me having to deliver them on [Sunday] morning. As of right now it looks as though Baby B had a low-grade infection, probably from very early on, that [caused a blood clot in her umbilical cord & her heart to stop beating. Because the two of them were on the same placenta we lost Baby A as well.] At 24 weeks their immune systems were unable to fight the infection and [the clot] caused their hearts to stop beating. There has been no infection found in my body, nor do they believe that the infection stemmed from me, rather just a very rare and very unfortunate circumstance.
At a time like this I find myself looking to the spiritual side of things as the scientific reasoning just doesn't seem to help explain why such a thing could ever happen to anyone. I just keep telling myself that Baby B was sick and she needed her sister to come with her & hold her hand as she journeyed to heaven. I believe they are now watching over us and have become our little angels.
Obviously, this is a very trying time for Frank and I and we appreciate all of your love and support. We know we will get through this someday, but right now it is just SO HARD! We spent our first night without our little girls physically present last night and I just truly felt such a void in my heart. I guess time will eventually heal, but one thing is for sure: they will always hold a very special place in our family & in our hearts. We will never forget them. So the next time you look up at the big blue sky, say a little prayer to our angels.
Love,
Dana
10/12/08
One Week
Dearest Friends,
It has been 1 week, this Sunday morning, since our twins have passed and while each day seems to get a tiny bit better than the last it is still so painful to wake up and face another day of grief and the overwhelming feeling of loss. We are finding strength in each other, in family, and in you, our dearest friends. Without all of your phone calls, e.mails, cards, flowers, food & especially hugs I just don't know where we'd be, you are truly helping us through this very difficult time. We have received a number of e.mails from some of you sharing stories of similar losses and how you managed to cope. It has been mentioned that naming our angels can be a wonderful way to remember and honor their special place in our hearts. While initially hesitant, we've decided that it only makes sense to honor our little angels with names, as they will always be an important part of our family while we remain here on this Earth.
Ironically, we hadn't narrowed down any girl names during our pregnancy, which provided a very special opportunity to find names with meaning to us during this time. We have named "baby A", Raphael. A name I have always loved and as it turns out Raphael is the Angel of Healing. We named "baby B", Lailah. Lailah is the Angel of Conception. We pray to Raphael to help Lailah return to health as she journeys to heaven and to watch over us and help us heal in the weeks, months & years to come. We pray to Lailah to give us the strength physically & emotionally to conceive again and to watch over her future brother's or sister's journey to life. We wanted to share these names with you so you can continue to help us remember & honor our baby girls in the future.
Frank and I spent this past weekend in Sun Valley, breathing the fresh mountain air and trying to gain the strength to put one foot in front of the other. Throughout this past week we are reminded how precious life truly is and that the "little things" just really don't matter at all. I find myself appreciating the beauty of nature so much more and cherishing the love of my husband, family & friends like I never have in the past. While it is hard to believe I will ever be as happy as I was before, I am forever changed as a human being and maybe that is the greatest gift of all.
Love,
Dana & Frank
After losing our girls it took every ounce of energy I could muster to get out of bed in the morning. Waves of nausea would overcome me and I would feel physically ill. I would stare in to space forgetting where I was, what I was doing, and how it felt to care about anything. I simply didn't care about anything. It was difficult to eat. I never once answered my phone for at least a month. The simple act of glancing at my caller ID would prompt me into tears. I had no desire to venture out into public & when I forced myself to attend a social engagement I felt numb and like I was faking wanting to be there, which I was. I would sob every night, every morning, every time I was in the shower, when my husband would go to work & I was left alone, when I would look at my no longer pregnant body in the mirror, or when I would pass by the closed door to the nursery. The "what could've been lingered" & the sense of loss became my shadow. I couldn't see or hear anything about anyone who was pregnant or having a baby, even though I knew I should be happy for them, I just couldn't handle the reminder of my loss.
All of these feelings, emotions, & physical reminders are very common indeed. I took a month away from work and spent my days painting, hiking, & learning the guitar. I had many visitors in the first couple of weeks, which was nice, but then I got to the point where I just wanted time alone because no one but myself was going to get me through this. I found myself taking baby steps through the healing process. One day I got out of the shower and realized that I hadn't cried the entire shower. I had my first really good laugh at something funny. I drank a glass of wine with dinner at home one night, something I truly enjoy. I found myself accepting invitations to go to a friend's house for dinner. I applied makeup & dried my hair one day. I ventured to the art supply store for more paint one day. I went to bed one night without crying myself to sleep. Slowly these seemingly minor steps became enormous leaps and bounds in the healing process. Frank's father passed away and we flew to NY for his funeral, we returned on October 31st which concluded the worst month in our marriage and hopefully, our life. On November 1st we attended a concert with some friends and on November 2nd I went back to work. Day by day life was returning to normal.
Today I not only get out of bed, but I want to get out of bed. I smile wholeheartedly & experience joy just like I did before I lost the girls. I laugh until my stomach hurts & I hug harder & more often than I ever have. I appreciate my friends & family more than ever and have a deeper love & devotion towards my husband. I do still cry, often, but it feels good & healthy. I am extremely sensitive and empathetic to those who experience loss, whether it be a miscarriage, a divorce, the loss of a child or grandparent, or a stillbirth. I have always been a sensitive and caring person, but when I hear of someone's life tragedy I now feel their pain as though it is my own. I grieve for our girls every day, but life has gone on and I have become a better person through this process. I hope that my worst enemy never has to know the excruciating pain & what a long difficult process the recovery is, but it is inevitable that women will experience this in the future. To you women out there, hang in there, you will come through this, life will make sense again, and you will be changed for the better. If you need a shoulder, I will be here, whether I know you or not. So please reach out to me & to others who have been there.
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