Prego Brain

Ever since I've been pregnant I seem to be experiencing what I call "Prego Brain".  I forget things easily, can't put whole thoughts together in a cohesive sentence, repeat myself multiple times, and sort of walk through each day with a clueless aura.  All of these things are very uncharacteristic for me.  Now, typically I would just write this whole phenomenon off to having "a lot on my mind", but since this is my second pregnancy I can tell you that this is not a coincidence, there IS such a thing as "Prego Brain"!

Normally, I am a very organized, diligent and put together person.  Rarely does anything "get by me".  Given a choice, I consider myself more street smart than academic.  This means I am usually very level-headed, comprehend things easily, think outside of the box, and go about tasks diligently & methodically.  Now all this gets thrown out the window during pregnancy.  I feel like quintessential blond-joke subject matter (I'm not blond, by the way, never have been).  

Well it turns out that I may not be alone in my observation of this quirky pregnancy characteristic.  There don't appear to be any conclusive studies done tying this phenomenon to an actual physiologic response.  However, we do have more on our minds during pregnancy (what am I going to do about work?, who is going to watch the baby?, which room are we going to use as the nursery?, will I breast feed?, is is normal to feel this tired?, can we afford this baby?, how will this effect my husband's and my relationship?, etc. etc. etc.) and there probably is something to be said for the hormones racing through our blood.   Despite the root of the problem this is a common characteristic during pregnancy and the good new is, it does go away post-partum.

Rather than feeling frustrated by my cloudy brain I am sort of enjoying it.  It feels nice to not be in total control all day everyday, and people seem to understand.  A few websites suggested simplifying your life to limit the effects of Prego Brain (my words, not theirs), which I embrace whole-heartedly.  Pregnancy is such an amazing thing, your body (& mind, we've now discovered) change in so many ways, why not cut out a few extracurricular activities.  Try heading home from work an hour or two early, or hand a few extra projects off to associates, & by all means ask for extra help from your husband.  Nuke it for all it's worth, because after 9 months you will be totally focused on mini-me!  Look at pregnancy as the calm before the storm.  Embrace the cloudy, forgetful mind-frame and live it as a carefree, & serene new way of life.  You & everyone around you will enjoy your pregnancy so much more if you just let go a little bit.  I certainly intend to do so, and I'm already loving my Prego Brain!

Dr. B

When you make the exciting decision to actively try to get pregnant (or, stop preventing pregnancy, whichever way you look at it) one of the first big decisions to make is: who will be your doctor.  Usually women make this decision based on gender, whether or not they do their own ultrasounds, if they deliver their own babies, what hospital they cover, how convenient their office is, or even, who can get them in the fastest after a positive pregnancy test.  While all of these things are minor considerations, this could be the most important decision you make.  No one ever wants to plan for the worst when entering pregnancy, but when things go south quickly, your doctor is the single most important decision you will have ever made.    

I chose Dr. B.  I am giving him this alias just in case I misquote him in my future blog entries (pregnancy forgetfulness:  STELLAR symptom #5- see last blog entry).  Now, Dr. B could be the nicest human on the planet, in fact I'm pretty sure he is.  Not to mention, he is incredibly well-read, has great bedside manner, LOVES what he does, and sees just about every single one of my girlfriends here in town.  These are the reasons I chose him to be my doctor.  Little did I know how important his role would become in my pregnancy, and in my life.  

So, you've heard about the worst night/day of my life.  But what you didn't hear was that Dr. B was there the entire night as well.  He was not the on-call physician that night and by no means would I have expected him to take a "free" night away from his 4 kids and wife to be with us.  He stayed at the hospital the entire night, checking on us every couple of hours until our delivery the next morning.  When he delivered the babies, he was just as choked up as Frank and I were.  For the next few weeks after our delivery he would tear up every time he saw me walking down the hallway of the hospital or sitting in his clinic.  I truly believe he cares about us and was just as hurt by the loss of our girls as we were.  

I'm not sure of Dr. Bs religious beliefs, but he strikes me as a spiritual person (I suppose you can't help but get that way when you deliver 200+ babies a year).  He reassured us that there was nothing that could've been done differently to change the loss of our girls, and that there would be a happy ending in the near future.  Some of my favorite quotes of his:

"Don't go forward in fear"

"If God gives you a good day, take it"

"This is a new pregnancy, and new karma"

"Your pregnancy is predetermined once you get pregnant, there is nothing you can do to change the outcome"

"I'm sorry I'm such a sap" (to which we always respond "that's why you are our doctor")

When I asked if I could see him weekly this time around, he replied "of course you can, come in whenever you want".  OK, I was joking, but his enthusiasm around me potentially becoming his nightmare patient was very sweet (again, remember the guy delivers 200+ babies a year, imagine his clinic schedule!).  In addition, without me even asking, he remarked that he will not be taking any vacations or attend any medical conferences in October, he wants to be there to deliver our baby.   And, I do believe that we need a new L&D experience together, this time with a happy ending!  

So there you have it, pick your physician wisely.  Because, similar to a husband, when times are tough, you really need them to be there for you.

I LOVE nausea,

fatigue is AWESOME, and constipation ROCKS!  I'm pretty sure most OBGyns don't hear their patients making these exclamations very often.  I too, was one to complain about the many irritating pregnancy symptoms with my first pregnancy.  Again, how my perspective has changed.  

Have you ever considered why these symptoms occur?  There are so many changes going on with our body when we get pregnant.  Our body chemistry changes, our hormones elevate, our blood flow increases, and our body composition starts to change.  All of these things happen to prepare our body for carrying and delivering a baby.  The body literally "knows" what to do!  What a wonderful thing.  To me, my nightly nausea is comforting.  It means my hormones and hcg levels are doing what they are supposed to in order to support my growing baby.  Fatigue means my body is working over time to facilitate the rapid cell division that is taking place, and my uterus is laying the foundation for the structure that will become my baby's lifeblood (ie. the placenta).  Who doesn't love an excuse to nap, anyway?  Constipation, well it's hard to find a plus to that one, but again it is just a (daily) reminder that I am pregnant and my body is following the rules to support this miracle.  

In a way, I like to think of these early symptoms as synonymous with feeling the baby kick towards the end of a pregnancy.  They are helpful (not annoying, remember?) reminders that everything is OK.  So, next time someone asks you how you are feeling?  Perhaps you will think to respond with "fantastic, I'm about to vomit"!

12 Weeks

Why is it standard protocol to wait until you are 12 weeks pregnant to announce your pregnancy?  I suppose the thought is that the rate of miscarriage is high before then, and why would one want to have to tell everyone that they miscarried until they are safely in the clear.  I certainly followed this standard protocol with my first pregnancy.  I even waited the standard 16 weeks before I announced that I was having twins for fear of a "disappearing twin".  I guess our society has taught us to avoid sharing life's hardships and portray the image that everything is perfect.  

Well, despite me waiting the standard 12 weeks to announce my pregnancy and 16 weeks to announce my twin pregnancy, I still lost my pregnancy at 23 weeks.  I have always been one to focus on the positive and cover-up or hide the negative, but my loss became a very public event.  I received phone calls, cards, e.mails from people I hadn't talked to in years, friends who didn't even know I was pregnant to begin with.  My parent's friends' friends' from all over the country were sending me well-wishes, etc.  Normally I would've crawled into a hole and come out when everything was OK again, but this time I was forced into sharing my tragedy with everyone I have ever had contact with throughout my life.  

Through this I learned a very valuable lesson.  Life isn't always perfect, and living through tragedy helps you grow as a person.  Sharing these horrific events with others not only helps them look at their own life's blessings and be thankful, but all of these people become a very valuable support network to help you through the difficult time.  In one of my grieving books they specifically mention that the length of time it takes to grieve a loss is directly related to the amount of support for the griever.  I was overwhelmed with support, it was truly amazing.  In addition, so many people stepped forward and shared their own tragedies with me and offered advice as to how they coped and made it through in one piece.  This was perhaps the most helpful for my recovery.  Hearing these stories and noting that each one had a light at the end of the long dark tunnel helped me focus on the fact that I could get there, because they all did.  

So here I am, still walking through my tunnel.  While I am pregnant the tunnel is still dark, but the light is starting to shine through, and while I am only 6 weeks pregnant I am not afraid to share this information with the world.  First, of all why not share the great news after such terrible news last fall?  Secondly, if something does happen I know I am going to need everyone's support more than ever.  So there you have it: shout it out!  Share your exciting news with the world, because most likely everything will be just fine.  If you find that life isn't always perfect, you might just be surprised how many people have been through miscarriages, stillbirths, infant losses, and how their stories might just help you through.

Till Death Do Us Part

When I exchanged those vows 5 1/2 years ago I had no idea what they meant.  For better or worse, rich or poor, in sickness and in health, till death do us part.  I was 25 years old at the time and had never really experienced any tragedy, unhappiness, or hardship.  My biggest contemplations were what apartment I was going to live in, who I was going to go out with Friday night, and what I would wear.  Life was so simple.  While I always loved the traditional vows and knew I wanted to marry my fiancee, I had no idea what life would bring and that those vows would be tested.  

Throughout the entire experience of losing our babies Frank has stood by my side and has been my rock.  Never has he blamed me (or anyone else for that matter), he lets me cry when I need to, he hugs me, and has never suggested that I should "just get over it".  We have truly been through the "for better or worse" vow.  Our doctor told us that he has seen couples go one of two ways when going through experiences similar to this: closer together or apart.  There really is no happy medium and I feel so lucky to say that we have come out of this closer together, and not apart.

One of my girlfriends shared a passage from a Harville Hendrix book with me, and it touched me so deeply, I wanted to share it with you.  While Frank and I are more solid than ever these are definitely commandments to live by and to strive for daily.  

The Commandments of a Conscious Marriage/Relationship

Heal each other's childhood wounds.

Call each other back to original wholeness.

Visualize our Dream Relationship daily.

Keep each other emotionally and physically safe at all times.

Keep all exits to our relationship closed.

End all behaviors that avoid intimacy.

Give each other caring behaviors daily.

Give each other surprises monthly.

End all criticism.

Ask directly for what we want.

Express all negative feelings appropriately.

I love you Frank!  Happy Valentines Day!

Pee stick...

A pregnancy test (a.k.a. "pee stick") means many things to many different people.  There is the "oh #$@*!" group, you know, the woman who slept with a married man, the teen who just had her first "experience" with her boyfriend, or that one night stand where the condom broke.  The pee stick to those women is a brutal informant that they might have made a little mistake.  

Then there are the "oops" gals who just finished breast-feeding their 3rd child and were waiting for their beloved to schedule his vasectomy, or the newlyweds who get pregnant on their wedding night, or even the older couple whose kids' ages are all double digits and she's sure she is entering menopause.  For these women the pee stick is a mixed blessing.  

Then there's the "c'mon, c'mon, change little blue line, you can do it, change" women.  These are the women who may have struggled with fertility, or have desperately tried to get pregnant for months and still no luck, or women who are just really anxious to start their family.  For these women the pee stick is a dreaded ritual and a source of ongoing disappointment.  This is the category I fall into.  

Since we lost our girls I have reminded myself over and over again not to become obsessed with getting pregnant and all of the many different pee sticks that go along with that process.  I created my own mantra telling myself in so many words to heal, smile, chill out, relax, enjoy my husband, and when it is time, it will happen.  Well I am happy to report that it did!  We had a (well 3) positive pregnancy tests which were further confirmed with blood work and an ultrasound.  YAY!  So it all begins, my Jerry McGuire pregnancy blog.  Pregnancy from a new, wiser, and more appreciative perspective.   Enjoy!

in THIS skin...

Us women, our bodies are amazing!  Have you ever really sat down and thought about the fact that we create, carry, deliver, and nourish life through our body?  Sadly, I know all of these stages of the birthing process first hand.  I became pregnant, carried my babies for six months, delivered them vaginally, my breast milk came in, my post-partum emotions ran high... I experienced child birth just like every other woman.  The only difference is I didn't get to enjoy witnessing my girls presence here on earth, and I still miss them so much.  I did, however, experience the amazing things our body can do!  

These days, so much emphasis is put on being skinny, fitting into a certain pair of jeans, what dress size we are, what fad diet we are on, and what we look like.  It is so sad to me to watch beautiful women make appointments for plastic surgery, hunch their shoulders, hide their bodies under baggy clothes, develop eating disorders, or spend so many hours at the gym they forget what life is really about.  Our bodies are truly incredible and keeping them nourished and healthy should be our number one priority, not slimming down to a size 4, or weighing in at 120 pounds when we are 5'10".  

I pondered all of the above thoughts as I hid my post-partum body behind my one-piece on a lounge chair in Hawaii.  Across the pool I saw Kate Moss's clone laying on her lounge chair with either a towel covering her body or a cover-up, at all times.  I thought to myself, God gave you an amazing body, show it off for goodness sake.  Surprisingly, she didn't strike me as beautiful even though Elle, W, or Glamour would've scooped her up as their February cover model in a heart beat.    Then, one of the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen walked in front of me heading towards the hot tub.  She didn't wear a cover-up, nor did she wrap a towel around her waist, she simply strutted her stuff down the pool deck like she was walking the catwalk at Karl Lagerfeld's fall runway show in Paris.  This woman was clearly overweight and by far the largest woman at the resort.  She couldn't of cared less, she was the most beautiful woman at the pool that day.  Ahh Haaa!!!  Confidence is what makes us beautiful, not waist size or hip girth.  

So to recap, Kate Moss is covering her "perfect" size 0 body, I am hiding my post-partum body "sucking-in" as I walk 3 feet to the pool to take a dip, and the most beautiful woman there is the one who walks proud, loves her curves and clearly knows she's beautiful, belly, boobs, butt and all.  Confidence is what it is all about.  Now don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with the ambition to exercise more (as long as it's not obsessive) or eat healthier (as long as there's enough to meet your body's daily demands) but my challenge to myself and to you is to love the skin you are in!  Stop worrying about what size or weight you want to be in the future and embrace the most amazing gift you have, your body!