Belly Kicks

One of the strangest, most wonderful, most surreal, most reassuring feelings in life has to be the feeling of the baby kicking in your belly. I felt what I thought was the baby moving around 16 weeks. I spent a few weeks questioning whether or not it was the baby. Is it gas? Is it a muscle twitching? Am I imagining it? Have I gone crazy? Now at 22 weeks the feeling of a living being moving inside my belly is not only progressively more obvious but increases in frequency daily. Recently, Frank was able to feel the baby kick when he placed his hand on my belly and now we can even see my belly move when Baby C kicks. Interestingly, even at 23 1/2 weeks I never felt the twins move or kick. Perhaps that was a warning sign that something was wrong, but looking back I feel sad that I never got to experience the most wonderful feeling in pregnancy with them. In fact, this feeling is what gets me through the long & monotonous days on bed rest. I received an inspiring e.mail from a fellow mother to an angel. She pointed out that a day on bed rest is one more day the baby moves & kicks inside of you and is one less day spent in the NICU fighting for it's life. What a great perspective and one that makes bed rest seem like nirvana.

Having traveled a long and difficult road which continues to have more and more speed bumps, feeling the baby kick erases all frustrations, fears, & negative thoughts that creep into my being. Truly, pregnancy is a miracle. And, I am continually reminded every time the baby moves, how lucky I am to carry this little being. Now back to the chick flicks...

A new meaning to the term couch potato...

After a weekend of "laying low" I went into my doctor's appointment on Tuesday feeling good & confident that this appointment was simply a formality. The progesterone seemed to be doing its job as the spotting had ceased and I just felt better all the way around. Despite how I was feeling, unfortunately my ultrasound results were less than stellar. My cervix length was down to 2.7 from 3.8 on Friday. Without hesitation Dr. B put me on bed rest, indefinitely. His thought is that the progesterone will continue to "kick-in" and will hopefully stabilize my cervical length, but considering my history & the rapid rate of cervical shortening in the past week and a half, he was not willing to risk anything. While an entire summer in the horizontal position flashed-forward in my mind, I did not disagree or argue with his orders. I left his office, after a few hours of tests and discussions with he and the nurses, in tears and with a big pit in my stomach. I hadn't felt a thing, contractions, cramps, nothing that would indicate my cervix shortening to a risky length. There were no warning signs which is what scares me the most going forward and leaves me a little disheartened.

I am just now writing this entry because I have spent the past 2 days feeling sorry for myself. Last time the whole cascade of events leading up to losing the girls had nothing to do with my cervix. Why now? It sometimes feels as though anything that can and will go drastically wrong in pregnancy happens to me and I find myself longing for harmless symptoms such as morning sickness or sciatica. Normally a very healthy person, I am just not accustomed to being the medical anomaly. I have watched so many friends go through flawless pregnancies where they work until their delivery date, never miss a beat socially, and even engage in daily jogs through the foothills. Some of them even claim that when running into their OB in public he or she gives them a blank look as though they don't even remember who they are. How is this possible when I spend 3 days "laying low" and have a cervical erosion of over 1 cm? And, as much as I love Dr. B, why can't I be his anonymous patient who sees him only for regular check-ups when he has to double check my first name before he enters the exam room? On the contrary I am his new BFF because I see him 4 times a week and have every form of contact info for him aside from his social security number! I'm not sure why this is my challenge in life but it seems to be and I am just trying to roll with the punches the only way I know how, with optimism & a glass half full attitude. So here I am writing this entry with a slightly more positive outlook and a long list of things I want to accomplish while subjected to my couch. With that being said, you may be hearing from me quite a bit more frequently! Oh, and if you have any movie or book favorites, don't hesitate to pass them along.

Pink or Blue?

Is it a boy or girl? Well the short answer is, we don't know! We've decided to not find out the sex of our baby, until delivery of course. My husband jokes when people ask if we are having a boy or girl by replying "we don't care as long as it is one of the two"! And the truth is we really don't care. Now being the planner that I am it is tempting to find out the sex for decorating and clothing shopping purposes. And picking out names for the baby can be a little more involved. But really, does the baby care if their nursery is pink with floral patterns or blue with trucks & trains? Don't they live in one-sies for the first few months anyway? I've always felt as though having a few names in the que is a good idea but waiting to pick the actual name when you meet him or her is best. How many truly wonderful surprises do we have in life where either way the outcome is desirable? Not many, so we are waiting despite all of our friends' and family's dismay.

Now don't get me wrong I understand that curiosity kills the cat and some couples just HAVE to know. I understand and appreciate their reasons & respect the fact that the only true way to tell is through ultrasound or amnioscentesis. However, there is something to be said for mother's intuition. I, for instantce, am totally conviced that this baby is a boy. Now I haven't laid on the bed with a penny dangling from a string over my belly, & I can't tell if I am carrying high, low, all out front, or wide. And, our baby's heartbeat varies depending on if he/she is resting or active. Truly, I have absolutely no reason to think one way or the other aside from the fact that I just have this innate instinct that this little being is male. I asked Dr. B if there is anything to the wives tales or to mother's intuition. He did a study on 2,000 women, during his training, looking at whether or not the baby's heart rate was indicative of sex (the old wives tale says slow heart beats are boys and fast heart beats are girls). Simultaneously, he asked every woman if they had an instinct as to what their baby's sex was. What he found was that the heart rate WAS NOT statistically significant, but that the woman's instinct WAS statistically significant. So the old wives tales are probably just wives tales, but there IS something to be said for instinct.

With all that being said we joke that because we feel so strongly that this baby is a boy it is probably a girl! So we are going with a bright colored, unisex nursery, yellow & green one-sies, and a variety of names to choose from until October!

Here is a video from our 20 week ultrasound. My Mom said it looks like the baby is drinking a beer, clearly a boy taking after his father. Really, baby is just sucking his thumb!

A weekly prick in the bum...

Well a lot has happened in the past couple of weeks with my pregnancy so I suppose this blog entry is more of a status update than a deep thought. Unfortunately, the spotting I referred to in my "bit of a scare" blog entry has persisted. While it has been light it has occurred almost daily for the past few weeks. We've been hoping to explain it to ourselves as a result of my low-lying placenta or marginal placenta previa. Dr. B calls it normal (with a low-lying placenta) but not common. The longer it has persisted the less and less "common" it has become for previa & the more it is starting to look like the subtle onset of preterm labor. Dr. B suggested that we start progesterone injections which is a fairly new treatment option for high-risk pregnancies to prevent preterm labor. The treatment has been proven very effective for women with a history of preterm births and there don't seem to be any short term side effects. However, the long term side effects still need more data to be conclusive, which was part of Frank's and my hesitance in going on this med. We were given this option last week and have been tormented over the decision. I found myself having to make a decision that could potentially effect my unborn child's health. While my history makes me a perfect candidate for this treatment I wasn't convinced that the spotting was a sign of preterm labor. Being the perpetual optimist I was convinced that the spotting would subside and that it was due to the low-lying placenta. I just hated the thought of going on a med that didn't have long term data if I really didn't need to. This may sound crazy to bystanders who might be thinking "you lost your pregnancy at 23 weeks last time, go on the darn med!", but keep in mind that being raised in a physician's household where we rarely had band-aids, I continue to be a person who hesitates to take so much as allergy medication. We negotiated our points with Dr. B and settled on the fact that we would fill the medication & keep it on hand just in case I started to have any additional preterm labor symptoms.

Well, it turns out that this med is not easily filled at your neighborhood RiteAid. While prgoesterone is a very common hormone replacement therapy (commonly found in birth control pills, depo provera, etc.) even the hospital doesn't carry this particular formulation of progesterone. We ended up at a specialty pharmacy who had to order in the ingredients and compound the formulation for us, which is an all day process. While still pondering why we were even going to these lengths to get this med filled, again the perpetual optimist, we suddenly found ourselves in Labor & Delievery Triage Wednesday night. Part of my negotiation with Dr. B included me taking it easy for a few days to see if that would decrease the spotting. Well, at the end of my first day "taking it easy" and working from home I just didn't feel right. I couldn't tell if it was contractions or not, but I had some lower back pain and a dull ache in my cervical region. If we learned anything from our experience before we learned to listen to our (well my) gut feeling. So into triage we went. They hooked me up to the monitors to find baby doing well and no contractions. Dr. B happened to be on call and being about as cautious as an OB could be, he ordered an ultrasound to measure my cervix length in response to my complaint of the dull ache "down there". Down to radiology they wheeled me and as luck would have it they wheeled me into the same room where we were told our girls had no heartbeats. I looked at Frank and thought, this has to end differently than last time. The tech did the ultrasound and we found my cervix to have a length of 3.5 cm. Anything above 3 cm is normal, however last Friday they measured my cervix at 5 cm. I'm not an OB, but common sense would indicate that going from 5 cm to 3.5 cm in 4 days is probably not normal this early in pregnancy. My observation was pointed out to the nurses and then to Dr. B and they sent me home on strict bed rest until we could see him in the office on Friday. This is where I stand on my soap box and remind you all that your health is your own responsibility. Had we not noticed the measurement differences they would have told me my measurement was normal and sent me home with a quickly eroding cervix. For those that don't have an obsteterics degree, your cervix erodes (thins & shortens) to 0 and then dialates as you enter labor. They will check your cervical length just about anytime you have an ultrasound, which for most is twice during pregnancy unless there are signs or symptoms of an eroding or incompetent cervix.

Well long story short we met with Dr. B this morning and fairly confidently made the decision to go on the progesterone. With persistent spotting and an eroding cervix, both tell tale signs of preterm labor, the decision became much more obvious. Any potential long term effects of the progesterone far out weigh the potential health problems of having a severely preemie baby. After continued research I was also able to find a study with good 12-year followup data which also made me feel better. So a weekly prick in the bum it is for me, a lot more ultrasounds to monitor my cervix, and a few very valuable lessons reiterated:
-Listen to your gut! if you feel like something is wrong, it probably is and don't let them send you home until they've done all the possible tests.
-Take control of your own health, know what studies they are doing on you and what the results are because as we've learned there is no universal database with all of your health history catalogued. While a reading may appear normal the difference may be in the change from a previous, even better reading. Only you will remember this information and be able to help your doctor make the right decision for your care.
-Medications are not always the answer and make sure you ask a lot of questions and are comfortable before taking anything. When I first went to fill the prescription I was in tears and had a pit in my stomach, this is no condition in which to start a prophylaxis. Now, I feel very good about it and know that I made the best possible decision for myself and for my child.

Mom, Mum, Mother, Mama, Mommy...

At what moment do we become a Mother? Some might argue that one becomes a Mother once their child is born. Others think it begins when they decide to get pregnant or adopt. For some, it is when they feel the baby kick for the first time. For me, becoming a mother begins the moment you become aware of the fact that you are pregnant. Instantaneously, we are bombarded by the wide range of emotions, never again to be relieved by a blank canvas of feelings, toward that child. When they begin may vary from woman to woman, but the emotions a woman experiences are similar throughout the child's life and are ever present.

Love, the deepest and most innate feeling of love toward another being. Worry, that the child is OK. Hope, for the child's health & happiness. Fear, that we will make a wrong decision or won't always know the right things to say & do as a mother. Excitement, for what the child may do or become. Anticipation of the child's future and how to prepare them physically and emotionally for what is to come. Protectiveness and the desire to shield them from harm. Respect for mother nature and the miracle she is creating. Amazement, from the first sight of their heartbeat on ultrasound to watching the person they become. Joy, pure and utter joy!

While my time as a mother has only been through pregnancy I have certainly felt all of the many scary yet wonderful emotions that have been described to me by so many Moms. I can only imagine the beauty of nurturing and raising one's own flesh and blood, as pregnancy continues to be one of my life's most incredible blessings.

To all you Mothers out there, from fellow preggos to seasoned veterans, Happy Mother's Day!

Listen to your Dreams

Recently Frank and I had a little scare with this pregnancy.  After a relatively long day, I came home and had a bit of spotting, which any pregnancy website will tell you is reason to call your doctor.  Having learned from the past, we did not pass go & did not collect $200, we called our doctor's office immediately.  The on-call nurse called me back within 10 minutes and gave me very direct instructions to lay down with my feet above my head, drink 64 ounces of water & after 2 hours if the symptom persisted, to call the doctor on-call.  I laid on the couch with tears streaming down my cheeks, remembering all of the terrible events that led up to the loss of our girls.  My husband hugged me and told me that everything would be OK, this was different, this symptom is different and less worrisome, and this is a very different pregnancy.  Well sure enough 2 hours passed as did the spotting.  Coincidentally we had an appointment with Dr. B the very next day.  He explained this symptom as very normal for a 2nd pregnancy especially so immediately after the last pregnancy.  As the uterus stretches old blood from the last pregnancy is released and can cause spotting.  This may happen a few times throughout the rest of this pregnancy and is normal, he assured me.  So all is well, however considering the events of our last pregnancy Frank and I went to bed that night scared, nervous, worried, and solemn.

That night Frank had an interesting dream.  During our infamous trip to Hawaii (many of our friends are convinced that we conceived "Baby C' in Hawaii)  Frank read a book about a father who lost his daughter and his spiritual journey after her death.  One of the key take home points of the book was to listen to your dreams.  The book claims that often times dreams are a way to reconnect with the afterlife and with those we've lost.  I've mentioned this in previous blog entries, but we lost Frank's Dad 20 days after losing the girls.  I always felt as though he left us on purpose, he loved children, and I just knew in my heart that he left so he could take care of our two beautiful babies for us.  

Anyway, the night of our "scare" Frank had his first dream that involved his father since his death on October 25th, 2008.  He dreamt that we took the baby out of my womb and gave it to his father to take care of, until the baby's birth.  Now if the book that Frank read is correct in that dreams are a way of the afterlife communicating with us, one might interpret this dream as Frank's Dad telling Frank not to worry, that he is taking care of this pregnancy and this baby.  Now this might all be a little too supernatural to the afterlife skeptics out there, but it takes experiencing unexplainable tragedy to start believing in the afterlife and looking to spirituality for explanation.  Spiritual beliefs and signs, like Frank's dream, are what get me through the day and especially through the ups and downs of this pregnancy.  So, listen to you dreams, you never know when one might give you comfort, advice, or simply leave you smiling.

Is this your first?

I find myself in more and more casual conversations with strangers about my pregnancy these days.  Perhaps it is because I am starting to show, or maybe as a result of my obligation to explain why I care whether or not the cheese is pasteurized, or me feeling the need to rationalize my request when I ask the barrista or server to double check that the drink is decaf or virgin.  One way or another my pregnancy comes up as an easy & desirable conversation topic with strangers, and before I know it their questions start flowing like the Rio Grande.  "How far along are you?  When are you due?  Are you having a boy or a girl?  IS THIS YOUR FIRST?"  

 

Is this your first?  I cringe when I hear those 4 words.  I have felt very strongly about acknowledging the girls and my time with them, although brief, like I would any other child.  After all, I do have two children they just so happen to live in heaven.  So the answer to "is this your first" should be and is: "no".  However, I have noticed that more often than not, I respond with "yes".  I should clarify that if the "stranger" I am talking to is a friend of a friend or someone I know within a few degrees of separation I do respond with "no" I have two girls whom I lost at 23 weeks during my last pregnancy.  

So why do I answer "yes" to perfect strangers?  Is it because it is simply easier to say "yes this is my first pregnancy" than explain the circumstances surrounding my last pregnancy.  Or maybe I am protecting them from the uncomfortable but inevitable response they would feel obligated to give when I tell them the real answer.  Or maybe a piece of me wants to feel, if even for 1 split second, that I still have the innocence and naiveness of a first pregnancy.  Or maybe this is me going back to my old facade that everything is perfect, meanwhile hiding the pain I still live with daily.  Whatever the reason may be for my fictitious response I always answer sheepishly and inevitably I feel somewhat ashamed that I have, once again, pretended that this is my first pregnancy.  If the stranger cares enough to ask the question shouldn't they receive the truthful answer?   

Three thoughts...  To you lovely strangers out there who are so sweet and caring to ask about women's pregnancies: be prepared for an honest but maybe not so cheerful answer to your question.  To you women who have experienced the loss of a child (miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, or otherwise):  let's make a vow to ourselves and to each other that we acknowledge our children, even to perfect strangers, no matter what the circumstance.  And to our angels: whatever the reason may be for answering stranger's questions untruthfully, this in no way diminishes the love we have for you!  So yes, this is my second pregnancy and my third child on the way, I am so proud to say!