Is this your first?

I find myself in more and more casual conversations with strangers about my pregnancy these days.  Perhaps it is because I am starting to show, or maybe as a result of my obligation to explain why I care whether or not the cheese is pasteurized, or me feeling the need to rationalize my request when I ask the barrista or server to double check that the drink is decaf or virgin.  One way or another my pregnancy comes up as an easy & desirable conversation topic with strangers, and before I know it their questions start flowing like the Rio Grande.  "How far along are you?  When are you due?  Are you having a boy or a girl?  IS THIS YOUR FIRST?"  

 

Is this your first?  I cringe when I hear those 4 words.  I have felt very strongly about acknowledging the girls and my time with them, although brief, like I would any other child.  After all, I do have two children they just so happen to live in heaven.  So the answer to "is this your first" should be and is: "no".  However, I have noticed that more often than not, I respond with "yes".  I should clarify that if the "stranger" I am talking to is a friend of a friend or someone I know within a few degrees of separation I do respond with "no" I have two girls whom I lost at 23 weeks during my last pregnancy.  

So why do I answer "yes" to perfect strangers?  Is it because it is simply easier to say "yes this is my first pregnancy" than explain the circumstances surrounding my last pregnancy.  Or maybe I am protecting them from the uncomfortable but inevitable response they would feel obligated to give when I tell them the real answer.  Or maybe a piece of me wants to feel, if even for 1 split second, that I still have the innocence and naiveness of a first pregnancy.  Or maybe this is me going back to my old facade that everything is perfect, meanwhile hiding the pain I still live with daily.  Whatever the reason may be for my fictitious response I always answer sheepishly and inevitably I feel somewhat ashamed that I have, once again, pretended that this is my first pregnancy.  If the stranger cares enough to ask the question shouldn't they receive the truthful answer?   

Three thoughts...  To you lovely strangers out there who are so sweet and caring to ask about women's pregnancies: be prepared for an honest but maybe not so cheerful answer to your question.  To you women who have experienced the loss of a child (miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, or otherwise):  let's make a vow to ourselves and to each other that we acknowledge our children, even to perfect strangers, no matter what the circumstance.  And to our angels: whatever the reason may be for answering stranger's questions untruthfully, this in no way diminishes the love we have for you!  So yes, this is my second pregnancy and my third child on the way, I am so proud to say!