Sweet Logan

Saturday morning dear friends of ours lost their 2 month old baby girl, Logan (Logan's Mother being one of those amazing friends I referred to in my recent "Friends" post). We are reminded, once again, that children are not an entitlement, rather they are a gift and every moment is meant to be cherished. I find myself at a loss for words as there are no words that can ease the pain or explain why such a tragedy could happen to such good people. So I will humbly turn my words & thoughts to a poem that was given to me by a woman who buried her infant at 2 months old. I found great comfort in these words & believe them to be so true.

“I’ll lend you for a little time a child of Mine,” He said, “For you to love the while she lived and mourn for when she’s dead…
It may be six or seven years, or 22 or three, But will you, till I call her back, take care of her for Me?
She’ll bring you all her charms to gladden you, and shall her stay be brief,
You’ll have her lovely memories for solace for your grief.
I cannot promise she will stay, since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there I want this child to learn.
I’ve looked the wide world over in my search for teachers true,
And from the throngs that crowd life’s lanes, I have selected you.
Now will you give her all your love, nor think the labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call to take her back again?
I fancied that I heard them say: - ‘Dear Lord, thy will be done.
For all the joy Thy child shall bring, the risk of grief we’ll run.
We’ll shelter her with tenderness, we’ll love her while we may,
For all the happiness we’ve known, forever grateful stay,
But shall the angels call for her much sooner than we’ve planned,
We’ll brave bitter grief that comes, and try to understand.’”

In loving memory of Logan Teays White, may you dance with angels!

6 years of wedded bliss

Today is our 6th wedding anniversary. It is truly amazing how time flies yet we have done so much and a lot has happened in six short years. We watched our wedding video last week in anticipation of our anniversary, one of our yearly traditions. It was such a beautiful display of our innocence & love for one another. While the love has only deepened our experiences have removed us from the blissful innocent state in which we once lived. Frank and I wrote betrothal letters to each other which were read at our ceremony. I couldn't help but get teary when mine was read as I wrote "I know we have many hardships and happiness ahead of us, but one thing will always hold true, life makes sense with you by my side." When I wrote that I had absolutely no idea that we would lose children or that pregnancy would be an immense hardship for us, but even in all of my innocence I had the foresight to know that the man I chose to marry would stand by my side through it all. I love him more now than I ever could've imagined then. Here is the letter I wrote to Frank, I think it is beautiful, amazingly timeless & a wonderful way to honor a man who has truly become my better half.

Frank- my lover, my best friend, my soul mate,

I still cannot believe I found you! Fate has brought me someone more incredible than I could never have known to ask for. You make me laugh and smile, you give me vibrance and beauty, you hold my hand and listen unjudgingly, you kiss me 100 times in one sitting, you look at me so proudly and sincerely, you are my voice of reason and the arms I will always run to, it is with you where I am safe and proud to be myself. You walked into my heart through the butterflies in my stomach and have become such a part of me it is tough to differentiate between where my soul ends and yours begins. I know we have many hardships and happiness ahead of us, but one thing will always hold true, life makes sense with you by my side. I cannot wait for the continuation of our life long adventure, it has already exceeded any dream a woman could conjure. Thank you for choosing me-- to our life as ONE!

I love you,
Dana

Happy Anniversary Baby, I love you!

It's not always Sunshine & Roses

99% of the time I keep myself smiling with the thought that this will all be worth it when we meet our little one. I wake up in the morning with a grateful and positive attitude knowing that every moment counts. I would not be serving my purpose here if I wasn't totally honest about that 1% of the time too. This week has been one of those 1% weeks and quite honestly, this sucks!

I hate that this is so hard for my husband and I. I hate that it has been such a long road and at the end of this whole process I will literally have been pregnant for 1 1/2 years, not far from an elephant's pregnancy, the longest possible gestation for a mammal (2 years). Speaking of elephants, I hate that I have not 1 but 2 pregnancies, including a twin pregnancy, worth of baby weight to work off. I hate that I am missing out on friend's weddings, trips I had planned, social gatherings, community events, and the day to day buzz at work (yes I am one who actually likes my job). I hate that I would give anything to have the twins here because it also means I would not have this baby who I already love so much. I hate that I still research and think about what happened, what went wrong, and what could've been done to change the outcome of my last pregnancy. I hate that one of the recent explanations for our loss is Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome, something that can be treated if discovered early enough. I hate that sometimes I resent my husband for getting to go to work & workout & play golf & attend meetings, while I lay on the couch. I hate the fact that I now know every scheduled TV program from 7am through 10pm. I hate that all of my friends are going away for the 4th of July & I don't know if I should because I don't want to hinder or inconvenience anyone & who wants to be around a loaf on the couch. I hate that I am missing out on my favorite days of the year for hikes in the hills. I hate that I still have so many more weeks to go. I hate that this will strongly influence my decision to have more children despite wanting a large family.

I know I will get through this, I am getting through this, but there are days when it just flat out sucks! So tomorrow it will be back to sunshine and roses because that is the best way I know how to get through tough times. But for now I give you the honest truth about today. So, thank you, you just saved me hundreds of dollars in counseling fees.

Dad, Father, Pops, Daddy, Papa, DaDa

What is the man's role in a baby's life during pregnancy? Eventually he will be the one to teach the child how to throw a football, or kick a soccer ball. He will serve as an example of hard work, ambition, & drive. He will teach his little boy how to be a gentleman & what to look for in a woman. He will teach his daughter to protect herself & that good guys are out there, she deserves one of them. He will reprimand them when they step out of line, and will lead them when they need guidance. He will encourage them, give them confidence, hug them, support them, & love them with all of his heart. Men dream about their role as a father & this all comes when he sees his little one for the first time, but what is his role during pregnancy?

I've asked a man who seems to have the loving husband role down pat & has a lot of experience with rocky pregnancy roads to comment on this:
"I would summarize a man's role in two words; "support" and "gopher". The first word needs no explanation, there will be plenty of opportunities to provide support. When your lovely wife expresses anxiety over losing the pregnancy weight, you assure her she will and you will help. It is impossible to hug and kiss her enough during this time, expressing that she is already a great mother. You take over more house work and meal prep. While support is big, being a gopher is mandatory. Gopher translates to "go for" in this context. As you begin a career on Wall Street you are required to "go for" anything your boss requires; coffee, lunch, whatever. This dynamic repeats itself with your pregnant wife. You "go for" water, sweet treats, back rubs, Idaho Fry company, nonfat chai's, etc. All of this sounds pretty simple and it is. The one thing to keep in mind is to support and gopher with a smile on your face. A smile on your face puts a smile on her face, & keeps her laughing." - FG

So you've heard it from the man who has become an expert at supporting his wife during pregnancy. In my opinion, the man's greatest job during pregnancy & during the child's life is to love their Mother unconditionally. Happy Father's Day to all of you Dads & thank you for loving us Mom's!

Friends

I have been overwhelmed with support over the course of the last year from friends & family, near & far. I find myself in awe of their generosity, thoughtfulness & undying desire to help out. I've compiled a list of a few things my friends have been to me over the past few weeks.

A friend is...
...someone who takes your dog on a hike every morning at 6:45am, just so you don't have to feel guilty for not being able to take her yourself
...someone who text messages you almost daily just to ask how you are feeling
...girlfriends who throw a pedicure party in your living room
...someone who moves her "birthday lunch" to a birthday dinner at your house, just so you can be included
...someone who drops by a bouquet of peonies from the Saturday market
...someone who looks at your living room, notices that it is far from as clean as it normally is, grabs the broom & sweeps
...someone who does all the grocery shopping, cooking, & prep work for you when it's your turn to host dinner club
...someone who drops by their favorite chick flick collection
...a family who comes to your house & cooks dinner for all of you
...someone who calls just because they are in the neighborhood & are thinking of you
...someone who comes by for a visit
...someone who drops off items for lunch while your husband is out of town
...someone who works extra hours & takes time away from their life to compensate for your absence at work
...someone who sends you a gift in the mail just to make you smile when you receive it
...someone who brings by dinner to help take the load off of your husband
...someone who checks in via e.mail often
...someone who drops off their favorite movies, magazines & books to help pass the time
...someone who invites all of your girlfriends to your house for pizza while your husband is away
...someone who gives you a bright & vibrant hand made quilt to make your stay on the couch beautiful

Mostly a friend is someone who cares. My friends & family have showered me with support & love throughout losing the girls & through these past weeks on bed rest. Without them I simply could not survive. So, thank you to all of my amazing friends & family for all that you have done & for loving Frank, Me & Baby Grinnell!

Eliot

I've had quite a few blog entry ideas brewing & I will write them at some point, but today a lightbulb went off in my head as I watched a very touching story on Oprah (yes, I watch Oprah these days, one of the new additions to my schedule since the inception of my life as a couch potato). She was highlighting miracle children who have beat the odds, surviving everything from extreme medical anomalies to Hurricane Katrina. The story that touched me the deepest was a story about baby Eliot who was born with Trisomy 18 and wasn't expected to survive birth. He exceeded every medical expectation and lived for 99 days. He remained on oxygen for most of his short life and was fed through a feeding tube. His parents celebrated his birthday everyday at 4:59, the time he was born. When he became an angel on his 99th day they released 99 balloons in honor of his life. They celebrated his amazing will to live and the inspiration he became to so many people without ever even saying a word.

I found myself relating in someway to their story through my experience in losing the girls & through my deep connection to this baby, cherishing every moment I have with him/her. When interviewed, Eliot's Mom commented that while going through the experience she just kept telling her husband "I will be sad later, but today I am going to enjoy every second I have with him". Those are certainly words to live by. Every day with our children should be celebrated & savored. Whether it's their high school graduation, their first day at kindergarten, the first steps they take or words they utter, the day they are born, or each time they kick in Mom's belly; those moments should be cherished as there's no telling what lies ahead.

Lately, I've found myself waking up excited and refreshed as it means we are one day closer to a healthy full term baby. Last night while my husband was brushing his teeth he commented that in less than 3 months we will get to meet our baby. When he made that comment I thought to myself that is no time at all! The days on bed rest continue to fly by and I find myself more thankful than ever for every moment with this child safely in my belly.

Here is a link to a video on Eliot's life (grab a tissue). Thank you Eliot for reminding all of us to cherish every moment and to stay strong no matter what challenges we may face.

You may have to copy & paste into your browser window...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=th6Njr-qkq0

23 weeks 3 days

I have officially made it past the black cloud that has loomed over this pregnancy. Our girls were born angels at 23 weeks 2 days. Most women feel most apprehensive toward pregnancy in the first trimester. It is well documented that the majority of pregnancy losses occur in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy. For me the first trimester was a breeze. I felt like this pregnancy was a complete miracle and any minor symptoms I experienced were overshadowed by my excitement and belief that this pregnancy was a gift and simply meant to be. Around 16 weeks I started to feel the impending doom of the 2nd trimester.

For most, the 2nd trimester is the best! The annoying pregnancy symptoms have subsided, you are starting to show but aren't too big or uncomfortable, you can feel the baby move & kick, your energy level is good & in general you just feel great. For me, the 2nd trimester was a physical reminder of where I was when I lost the girls. Not to mention I started to experience some scary symptoms which only exacerbated my paranoia. I joke with my girlfriends who love the 2nd trimester by saying "the 2nd trimester sucks, bring on the 1st & please let me have a 3rd". I say that maintaining a sense of humor as I still believe that every day of pregnancy is truly a gift & no symptom or complication will take that from me. That being said I have been put back on "stricter" bed rest after some cramping last Thursday night. Dr. B claims that cramping (similar to menstrual cramps) are productive labor contractions & are not to be taken lightly. He also described the harmless Braxton Hicks contractions as sporadic painless tightening in your mid to upper abdomen. So I am back on the couch more thankful than ever for every day I lay here as it means the baby is growing, its organs, muscles & bones are getting stronger & we are one day closer to a healthy, full term baby.

As the 3rd trimester nears I feel more optimistic than ever. I feel great despite the expected side effects from my daily life as a couch potato. The moment guilt starts to overwhelm me for not being physically present at work, or for missing important trips & social engagements, or for asking my husband to refill my water glass 1 more time, I feel the baby kick and am reminded that the most important job I have right now is to ensure this baby continues to grow & safely stays put until the time is right! So the black cloud has passed & slowly but surely my husband and I are getting closer to the pot of gold at the end of our rainbow.

Cinderella

Poor Cinderella! She only had a finite period of time at the ball before her chariot turned into a pumpkin. Or maybe she was the luckiest lady at the ball because she savored every second. My life for the next 10 days is somewhat synonymous. The good news is that in meeting with my high risk OB he feels my condition has stabilized and has upgraded me to modified bed rest. No I won't be re-covering my couch with fine fabric, rather it means I can be up and about for a couple of hours at a time during the day. We will meet again to reevaluate in a week and a half but until then my couple of hours are like gold! Now don't get me wrong, anything beats strict bed rest, but boy does a couple of hours fly by! By the time I make myself somewhat presentable & leave the house I have time for a short meeting, a quick visit with a friend or co-workier, a stop at the drug store, or a quick meal.

Have you ever calculated what can be accomplished in 2 hours? When that's all the time you have it sure doesn't seem like much. I've always been one to appreciate time and rarely do I ever wish minutes, hours, or days away. After losing the girls I not only gained a whole new perspective on how precious life is, but also the importance of time. There's nothing like a little modified bed rest to drive this point home. These lessons are transferable to all aspects of life, but with pregnancy months, weeks, days, & even hours count. One month after the baby is conceived it's heart & circulatory system are developed and the heart begins to beat. Each week during the 40 week pregnancy measurable development takes place. Ask a mother who's baby has been in the NICU the importance of 1 day. A baby's journey from womb to life happens in a number of hours. And, I can speak from personal experience that in a matter of minutes the prognosis of a pregnancy can change a mother's life forever. So don't forget about Cinderella when you find yourself wishing time away, because every moment counts!