Wednesday, June 24, 2009

It's not always Sunshine & Roses

99% of the time I keep myself smiling with the thought that this will all be worth it when we meet our little one. I wake up in the morning with a grateful and positive attitude knowing that every moment counts. I would not be serving my purpose here if I wasn't totally honest about that 1% of the time too. This week has been one of those 1% weeks and quite honestly, this sucks!

I hate that this is so hard for my husband and I. I hate that it has been such a long road and at the end of this whole process I will literally have been pregnant for 1 1/2 years, not far from an elephant's pregnancy, the longest possible gestation for a mammal (2 years). Speaking of elephants, I hate that I have not 1 but 2 pregnancies, including a twin pregnancy, worth of baby weight to work off. I hate that I am missing out on friend's weddings, trips I had planned, social gatherings, community events, and the day to day buzz at work (yes I am one who actually likes my job). I hate that I would give anything to have the twins here because it also means I would not have this baby who I already love so much. I hate that I still research and think about what happened, what went wrong, and what could've been done to change the outcome of my last pregnancy. I hate that one of the recent explanations for our loss is Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome, something that can be treated if discovered early enough. I hate that sometimes I resent my husband for getting to go to work & workout & play golf & attend meetings, while I lay on the couch. I hate the fact that I now know every scheduled TV program from 7am through 10pm. I hate that all of my friends are going away for the 4th of July & I don't know if I should because I don't want to hinder or inconvenience anyone & who wants to be around a loaf on the couch. I hate that I am missing out on my favorite days of the year for hikes in the hills. I hate that I still have so many more weeks to go. I hate that this will strongly influence my decision to have more children despite wanting a large family.

I know I will get through this, I am getting through this, but there are days when it just flat out sucks! So tomorrow it will be back to sunshine and roses because that is the best way I know how to get through tough times. But for now I give you the honest truth about today. So, thank you, you just saved me hundreds of dollars in counseling fees.

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A pregnancy blog with a twist.

If you start from my first entry "The Beginning" you will hear about my life's tragedy.  Out of the ashes of this terrible experience I have formed a whole new outlook on pregnancy.  Throw away the pregnancy books, stop worrying and complaining about pregnancy symptoms, forget about the multi-billion dollar pregnancy & baby industry and simply enjoy the miracle of creating life.  I plan to write about this pregnancy process from a new perspective.  A wiser, more thankful, and hopefully not too jaded perspective.  Since I wouldn't wish my tragedy on my worst enemy I hope that women can learn from my experience and perhaps view their own pregnancies in a slightly different light.  Enjoy!  And, happy miracle making!